Everything's Five-by-Five

  1. That’s gonna leave a mark

    My SmartTrip card wouldn’t read at Farragut North this morning, so I was about to switch gates. But, as I backed away, I noticed the gate finally open so I hurriedly ran through and slammed my knee against the front of it in the process. Ouch.

  2. Anonymous wrote...

    Vin Scully sucks!--Mean Anon

    Yeah, well, you know, that’s justlikeyour opinion, man.

  3. Anonymous wrote...

    How do salt water crocodiles avoid over loading with salt?

    If they’re like me, they try half-heartedly to stick to a low-sodium diet and they take a diuretic pill every day.

  4. Want to Play Premier League Fantasy Football with Other Jerks from Tumblr?

    First off, choose your players at http://fantasy.premierleague.com/

    Then, use this code to join the league: 674630-181879.

    Feel free to spread the word by reblogging. The more the merrier.

  5. When we were kids, sometimes my sister would get in trouble for twirling her hair. I never did because my hair was never long enough to twirl. Now when my beard gets long, though, I totally get it because I twirl my beard hair like a motherfucker. And I can’t get in trouble for it, either, because I’m a grown man!

  6. So THAT’S where they keep ‘em!

    So THAT’S where they keep ‘em!

  7. Anonymous wrote...

    Dance contest : Taft vs. FDR. Who wins?


    Well, that one would be a little unfair, wouldn’t it? You know…because of…I mean…you know.

    Also — and I swear this isn’t one of those sarcastic, smart-ass falsehoods that I toss in to my answers once in a while — William Howard Taft was genuinely said to be a good dancer. I’m dead serious. On page 129 of Michael L. Bromley’s exhaustively researched and highly-detailed book, William Howard Taft and the First Motoring Presidency, Bromley writes:

    "Additionally, and to the shock of unsuspecting hosts and the ladies of the ballroom, Taft was a superb dancer. In Panama [where then-Secretary of War Taft visited Panama to observe the construction of the Panama Canal], the girls were amazed and thrilled by his light feet. In Atlanta, Taft refused to leave the floor. ‘I can’t leave now,’ he announced between dances, ‘please have the train held.’ He danced past midnight, leaving only after he had charmed all the lives of the local notables."

    A footnote on that same page in Bromley’s book cites a quote from a 1909 New York Times article:

    "The women were charmed with Judge Taft as a dancer. They say that he keeps perfect step, knows how to protect his partner, and is surprisingly nimble on his feet. ‘To dance with him,’ one partner said, ‘you would never think he weighed so much.’"

    So, even if FDR wasn’t…you know…well…I mean…you know…he probably would have danced circles around Roosevelt despite his weight.

    (P.S.: Two other Presidents who were famously known to be excellent dancers were George Washington and Lyndon B. Johnson. I think that just gave me an idea for a feature film — You Got Served: Presidential Pop-Lockers  — where those three Presidents travel through time and straight break it down. In my mind, I can already see the climactic scene. Let’s just say it involves two words [SPOILER ALERT]: “Taft” and “Twerking”.)

    (P.P.S: Wow, now I can’t unsee that image.) 

  8. Anonymous wrote...

    Do you ever smell a fart and then remember what you had to eat?

    I generally remember what I had to eat without needing my memory prompted.

  9. I just finished season one of Orphan Black and I’m fully on board. Good recommendation, people who I forget recommended it to me.

  10. Eskimo kisses!

    Eskimo kisses!